Tales of Kessay
by Tansy Six-Shot and Freda Twoguns
Summary: Original everything. Watch as the denizens of the Kessay Research Institute outwit a monster named Cookie, mess with spacetime and leave it in bits on the carpet, kill their own grandfathers and exorcise house cats in their spare time.


_All parents delight in seeing their children entertained. To see their small faces light up, electrified at seeing something new… different… funny. Parents all over my town could guarantee their children would be thrilled at every little thing they did to please them. This was not true for me. I could rarely get my son to laugh. Only his mother, Mikaela, had the true ability to get a crack out of him. _

_One winter in Vantaa, it snowed particularly hard… I believe the year was 1389. Each night of that winter, we awoke to find yet another inch or five of snow on the ground. Children all over our particular neighborhood were all out building forts and snowmen and having grand little wars every day there was no school. They would play all day until they were collapsing with exhaustion. _

_My son didn't like playing with the other children, for some odd reason. He always loathed how they poked fun at his middle name. Mikaela blamed me for that mishap, but she wouldn't let me give him the name I wanted. She settled for letting me choose the middle name, and I did._

_I took a day off work to attempt to get my son outside and play with him. Bring a little joy to him… and definitely see if I could make him laugh. Once both of us had on several hundred layers of clothing, I took it upon myself to teach my little one how to build a snowman. He actually got into it, running back and forth from construction site to house to grab coal and carrots and the like. I was simply delighted._

_After the snowman had been constructed, I picked up my eight-year-old son and set him on my hip. _

"_Now, Vihtori, wasn't that fun?"_

_My darling son nodded his head once, then smiled up at me. Well, there was the smile. No chuckle yet. I hadn't devised away to get a rise out of him. Nevertheless, I returned the smile and set him down._

"_Hey, Aalto!"_

_I cringed at hearing the voice of our neighbor, Jarkko Paasivirta. He was always trying to outdo me in every little thing. The lard leaned over his fence, glaring at me with those wicked black eyes. This is one reason I dislike ogres, and probably will for the rest of my life. _

_So, anyway… Jarkko started talking about how he entertained his thickheaded kids by pounding the snowman he built into nothingness. Only encouraging the little brutes to beat up more of the school children. Ass._

"_Well," I retaliated, sticking my gloved hand out at my snowman, "I'll make mine dance for Vihtori."_

_Poor Vihtori. Standing off to the side so innocently inspecting a frozen bush. I bit my lip and recited an incantation, giving the snowman the ability to move. That thing started sashaying all over the backyard, dancing, waving its stick arms about. _

"_Vihtori, look!" I exclaimed, running over and pulling my son away from the dead plant. Jarkko started open mouthed at the snowman, snaggletooth hanging for all to see. Gross._

_What happened next was never to be expected. In fact, I didn't think it could happen in a million eras. At spotting the snowman, Vihtori froze. His eyes grew as wide as Jason on a Teacup Day, and he let out the loudest scream I'd ever heard come from his mouth. Louder than when he thought a swimming hole led to hell and thought I was trying to kill him when I tossed him in._

_The snowman stopped moving, poor guy. He just stared into Vihtori's gaping, screaming mouth. Mikaela ran outside with a pan and cracked me over the skull._

"_What did you do to our son?" she shrieked, grabbing the screaming child and inspecting him. I could hear Jarkko rolling around in the snow on the other side of the fence, laughing his fat ass off. _

"_Mikaela!" I ran over to her, hand clamped over the back of my head, and attempted to calm both my wife and son down. I exchanged nervous glances with the snowman, and he shuffled off._

_Seeing the movement of the snowman, Vihtori screamed harder than ever and picked up a broken tree branch. He shot off after that poor snowman and started smacking him around with the branch. I was horrified. My son, who wasn't afraid of the Boggart in his sock drawer, who wasn't afraid to get kissed by a girl, who wasn't afraid of the crawl space under the house… was afraid of a mobile snowman who hadn't done anything but dance around. _

_I quickly took the spell off, leaving the poor fellow to be nothing but immobile snow once more. Vihtori attacked that thing and smacked it with the branch until it was snowy pulp, screaming in terror the whole time. Once finished, he lay exhausted over the heap and panted loudly. Frowning at **me**, Mikaela shot over and picked him up, carrying him into the house._

"_I'll never let you try to entertain Vihtori ever again, Einojuhani!" she hollered, slamming the door in my face. I frowned and turned to look at my neighbor, whose head had poked back over the fence again. _

"_Smooth," he said, smirking, and disappeared into his house. I glared after him, and I glared at his house. I glared at his kids when they came outside, and I glared at the dead bushes in his yard. Snarling, I kicked the snow at my feet, then turned and went inside._


End file.
